Addicted to Feeling: A Wrestle with Empathy and Pain by Cameron Greenleaf

When you find the power to truly feel and understand pain, something ignites inside of you. Like an engine, it generates heat, warmth, and purpose, but it also emits toxic fumes with the capacity to destroy. This power—or curse—of empathy can become your greatest downfall or your truest blessing.

Rushing thoughts filled with trauma, hatred, and anger flood my mind, saturating me with overwhelming waves of emotion. Empathy has brought me to a place where I can physically feel another's pain, to the point where it sometimes drowns me. For some, this might sound like the ramblings of a "wack job" or a "crazy person." But for others like me, this is the harsh reality of living with deep empathy.

Moments of extreme joy and happiness fill my life when I see others succeed, but they come hand-in-hand with the crushing weight of my family’s, my friends’, and society’s deepest struggles. On the inside, I am burning—desperate to solve the world’s problems. I analyze, observe, and search for solutions to things far beyond my control.

This obsession isn’t solely rooted in my past traumas, but also in an unrelenting drive to make the world a better place. Empathy gives you the power to sit beside someone in their pain instead of judging them for their mistakes. But when you find yourself sitting with too many people, carrying too many burdens, it becomes more than just a choice—it becomes a necessity, a compulsion to feel and to heal.

I often feel damned in my own way. Some might label me "insane" or "crazy" for stepping outside the boundaries of society’s limited understanding of the world. But once you open your eyes and truly see the world as it is—not just how you feel it is—you can never close them again. You can never return to a one-sided perspective. You feel compelled to understand all sides, all perspectives, all limits.

In my search for spirituality and to understand the Creator’s world, I’ve found myself addicted to the act of feeling. This overwhelming abundance of emotion has made me more aware than I ever wished to be. I see, I feel, and I carry both light and darkness wherever I go. It’s in the symbols we overlook, the advertisements we absorb, and the systems we’ve created to sustain this modern world. It fills me with shame—shame for what our people have allowed the world to become.

In this country, where atheists clash with the spiritual, I see something deeply troubling. It’s not just a battle of belief systems. It’s a battle for the heart of humanity. The internet, smartphones, television—fucking smart cities—are tools created to either empower or oppress us, all at the cost of our autonomy. And both sides of this divide—right or left—are equally guilty of misinformation and manipulation. The result is confusion, division, and emotional turmoil that hasn’t just harmed the brainwashed but also left thousands of empaths like me in a state of perpetual distress.

I feel the weight of the world. I carry it because I always have. My mother hurt me because I was “hard to handle.” My father hurt me because he “couldn’t handle me.” So why not carry the pain of the world as well?

I blame myself for the world’s problems as much as I blame you. These issues didn’t appear overnight, and they aren’t just personal. We stopped caring. We stopped paying attention. We traded the future of our children and our planet for fleeting moments of comfort and pleasure. What is in store for us next? In this battle against evil and the war on the mind that society has created, I have no idea. I can only say this: I have been preparing my whole life for this fight. Through every moment of pain, every wave of overwhelming emotion, and every step forward, I’ve been forged for this purpose.

I will continue to feel—deeply, unapologetically, and completely. I will bear the weight of empathy, even when it burns, and work tirelessly to nurture compassion for a world that so desperately needs it. Because even in the darkest moments, I believe there is light. And as long as I can feel it, I will fight for it. -Cameron Greenleaf